What does it mean to be? It means to be everything God has created you to you be. It means delighting in the process of understanding your gifts and passions. It means being free to walk your own path, and to enjoy it. It means to share that path with others, and shed light so that they may see their path as well. Each walk is different. My path will look differently than your path. It will take discipline also to not compare the paths. It is okay for each path to be different. For if we were all walking the same path, there would be no differences. So do not tell me I need to get married right away. Do not tell me I need to look a certain way. Do not tell me I need to be involved in that particular way. For when I sit and be, when I sit at the feet of my Jesus, he will lighten that path for me. He will place the vanilla scented candles on that path. And he will walk it with me as well. Through the valleys. Through the meadows. Through the deserts. And there will be moments of joy, of frolicking hand in hand. There will be moments of thirst, where I must lean on him or I will perish. There will be moments where I do not want to walk with him anymore, where I have found my own path. But can I know him? Yes. I can know him. I can know and trust him. I will soar on the wings of an eagle. I will be free. And who is stopping me from jumping into the sky? Myself. But again, to know him allows me to know who I am. What I am capable of, what I have been created for. And I believe it is to be. To really see people. To offer a presence that takes in their whole story, takes in all of what they have done, good and bad. To take it in and say that is you. Not to count things against them. Not to analyze and judge. But to see, acknowledge, and be okay with it. Being requires time. All good things require sacrifice. Being requires you to stop looking around from person to person, with a shifting gaze. It tells you to stop. It tells you to close your eyes, take some deep breaths and realize you’re okay. Being means looking at someone. Seeing them. Looking into their heart, acknowledging their pains, joys, fears, hurts, and passions. You cannot see someone when you are only seeing yourself. It is not about trying to make everyone understand you, but rather trying to understand others. So stop. See someone. Let your heart be moved by that person at that time. Allow yourself to be so deeply touched by presence that you cannot help but love that person, you cannot help but want to understand them. It will not come naturally. It is a gift only God can give you. It is something only God can teach me. So teach me God. May I stop looking so intently on myself, on what will happen to me. May I shift my gaze. On you and them. Only in your strength, in your will.

Purity

Purity in life, in spirit, in thought, in heart. I want purity. "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an examples for the believers in love, in life, in faith, in speech, and in purity." I was to be that example. I so desperately desire to throw everything aside just to glorify God all the more. I now know exactly what it looks like to be pure. The last 8 months God has been teaching me, and not I am ready to act on what I learned. I can't be ignorant anymore. God has shown me and I must obey him. Even if everyone else is not being pure, I still desire to seek after it. I wish people would see the vitality of purity, how it really shows to the world just who you follow. I desire my life to be like that, even if it results in loosing people, in loosing friendships. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Throwing off the people who slow me down, who pull me from God. Wow, that's big. Not conforming to what the world it doing, or even to what my family and friends are doing- that is usually the hardest. You can say no to the world because you're often not connected, but your family and friends- you love them and it is hard to say no. You justify things. But I want nothing more to be one in mind with the Lord and Savior of my life- in thought, word and deed. And so I throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. I run to you. I put on the the things that bring me closer to you- man God, you are beautiful. I am thrilled that you love me, that you call me your princess. Wow, you really knew what you were doing when you said that you would fulfill our deepest needs, because right now I just might need to take you up on that offer. I don't know how people who don't know you hold on. I would feel overwhelmed by life's hurts and pain. Thank you God that you are there for me. That you supernaturally bring in your healing and love. So discipline is needed, and strength from Jesus. Already in the last few weeks he's given me grace. I just need to remember my heart is easily breakable, so I give it to God to hold on to it. He'll be gentle- he'll be a gentleman. Because that's just what he does. =)

Jesus the Gentleman

I also realize that I am tired of fighting for attention. I am tired of looking to the world for that acceptance. I see Jesus just waiting at the door, just waiting for me to come to him. His arms are open, and He’s telling me that I will be loved. That I am loved. He’s been waiting there amidst the chaos, amidst the empty attention I’ve been trying to obtain. He hasn’t left, he hasn’t interfered. He’s just been standing there, waiting for me. He’s been waiting. His face is downcast, He is sad. But I ignore it. I ignore him. I look to other people for acceptance, for attention. All the while my Jesus just waits. He is patient. He is jealous, but patient. He is a gentleman. But I’ve thrown so  much away Jesus, why would you want me back? I’ve given myself away, and not to you. I’ve said Jesus take my heart, guard it, save it for me. But I’ve prostituted myself, I’ve thrown my heart in the dirt. I’ve taken it from you, and given it to someone else. But I am broken. I am teared. I can’t keep this up. So I do come to the door, I do open it to him. He is still there, smiling. The tears are still there, but his smile is radiant. He takes my hand and says welcome back my daughter. He doesn’t shove me away, or remind me of all the times I’ve ignored him. He simply takes my hand again and leads me out of the door. I am with my Lover and I am loved. But unfortunately, the door still remains open. Jesus does not close it. The world inside is screaming out, it is enticing. It is calling. But for now I rest in his love, in his acceptance. I do not want the world, but it is still there. Jesus, I love you. Please forgive me once again. Thank you for your grace.

Delighting and Pursuing

The idea of not settling for good, or lame, but pursing best has been a hot topic on my heart for the last couple of months. I desire to put away things that don't bring me to my full potential. So today as I was reading my Bible, I decided to pick some verses which would demonstrate what kind of attitude I have towards this new year. One verse that I did not pick but has been on my heart since Sunday is "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be open to you." And so I decided to ask something of God, to test him in it. I asked for deep-hearted, genuine love. A love so rooted in God my mind can't even comprehend it. A love that only  Jesus can demonstrate through me, something I could never produce. I desire to love people for where they are now, faults and all. I want to stop judging simply because someone is not at the place they should be. I want to love here and now. So that was a request I asked of God, and the verse that went along with that is 1 John 3:16: "This is how we now what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers." In this verse, it is simply stated just how we are to demonstrate love. By laying our lives down for our brothers and sisters, for those lost in the world, for the loveable and unlovable. And that isn't just our physical lives, but just simply our lives and all that comes along with them. Our time, our energy, our resources, our money, our houses, our cars, our food, our clothes, our socks, our time.... Sometimes time can be the biggest for me. Sure, I can hand someone some money to do something, but really stopping and slowing down and saying ya, I'm going to give you these next couple of hours. And sometimes even when we give our time we're not even there. Our minds worry about something else and we're not even there for the person! It can be ridiculous and I do it! Grr... That's another thing that's been on my heart. Living in the present. Not regretting the past, or worrying about the future, but taking in everything right now! Being fully alive in the moment! I don't want to miss a thing that God has to show me in my life. I don't want to miss sights, or sounds, or special moments... only because I was worrying about something I said 3 days ago..  I want to truly live in God's good grace.. making the most of every single day! Because every single day I wake, His grace and faithfulness and replenished and I have a new chance at living! How sweet is that! The second verse I claimed for this year is Psalm 37:4: "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." This is sweet! There are verses that talk about seeking God and He will be found, but delighting yourself in the Lord? That is a new level of relationship! Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.....Hmmm, this is beautiful. I hope to delight myself in my Lord and Saviour :) The third and final verse is Song of Songs 8:4 "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." To me, this verse doesn't just have to be applied to romantic relationships, but I also just see it as a verse for daily desires. My desire to go out into the world and be a world is not realistic at this point in my life, simply because I don't have the experience. So as sweet as this dream is, I can't let it run away in my mind. I can't be so focussed on the future that I miss the present. There's much to be gained during this season in my life. This is one interpretation, but the romantic interpretation also applies. I don't want to be on the lookout. I want to be on the lookout for God. I want him to show me that he will fulfill me. He is the great Romancer, and quite possibly I don't want to holding out for anything except my God. This goes back to my last post. I don't want to be wanting it now, or completely pushing away. I want to surrender it to God. In His timing and with His will, good things will happen! I don't want to settle for good, but I want to strive for BEST! So with these verses I hope to move through this year. I can say that I am excited for this year, and am excited to see what God has in store. 

Dreams

I want to go somewhere exotic. I want to serve people. I don't want to have the attitude that I can solve all the world's problems. I don't want to think that the work I do is the only solution to everything. I want to be used by God to bring help to people, yes, but I just want to be used in whatever ways he wants. I don't want to think that I have all the solutions, that everything we do in North America is correct. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to be teachable. I want to learn from the world around me. I want to offer myself for God's glory. I also want to explore the world some more! There is just so much out there! And I always had a plan in my mind. It was my plan of life. I would become a nurse, travel the world and tell people about Jesus and give them medical care! I would do that for maybe 3 years. Then once I was all traveled out I would find a guy and then we would get married! And then maybe 5 years later I would have kids! Maybe. I was completely resilient to having any boys in my life until I had accomplished my goal. But then I had inspiration from a friend that there could be another option... What if God gave me someone who I could travel with?! A husband who had the same passion to serve people? And I totally believe he can do that! So it's not like I want to get married now or anything, but now I believe that God has a good plan for me. He has my best interest in mind, and I hope I have the courage and self-control to follow through with his amazing plan. So now I'm excited to see what God has in store for me. It will be good, and it may require some waiting, but, again, I pray that God will give me the patience and courage to follow it. I also hope that I can work in an orphanage and love on the children there. All I really want to do is go to one and just hold the children, and give them the attention they desire. I want to hold them. I want to show them God's love.. I want to work in exotic places too.. Maybe Hawaii, Thailand, Cambodia, Ireland, just to mention a few.. But see I still have that thought in my mind that I can't do that with a guy! I feel I need to go to these places alone and do this by myself.. But God has a plan haha!! I know his will is the best! I just have to trust him. Maybe I feel that if I were to even be dating a guy it would hold me down too much and I wouldn't be able to go out and live! But yes, God is good and will give me what He thinks it best. I guess all I can do right now is seek him and get to know him more more, and by knowing him more then I will know his will! Oh it's cool how that works! As we discover God more, the more we know him, and the more we know him, the more in tune we are with him! So then the more in tune we are with him, the more we will know his will. Hmmm, that's cool :) Other dreams though! I want to swim with dolphins! I want to have a fall wedding! I want to travel across Canada and experience our beautiful country! Hmm, there is so much more but I can't really think of any more on the spot. Oh, I want to find a big field of beautiful flowers and just sink into them and do nothing. I want to look up at the sky and just be me. I want to take it all in. The cool thing is that we can do that every day! We shouldn't need a super epic thing to make us realize life. We need to learn to see life and beauty in the simple things of life: the little flowers, stars, leaves, snow flakes, droplets of rain, Christmas lights, smiles. Oh the list could go on forever, but there's just so  many sweet things that God has given us simply for the purpose of us to enjoy. 

This peace

I was wresting with an idea last night of how people do not always satisfy my needs and my desires.. I was getting worked up about it that certain people just fail at that in my life. And then I thought wow, I am being so selfish- Just thinking about myself.. and then this amazing revelation came on me! Jesus told me that if I have Him and if I rest in His love and acceptance and fulfillment, why will I ever need to look to people to be fulfilled? I do not feel like I have to be accepted or understood by people.. God already does that. So I've been resting in this.. just knowing that I do not have to gain the understanding of people around me, I don't even have to loved by people. I am loved by Jesus and I am accepted by Him! So now instead of putting pressure on people to satisfy my needs, I know I can rely on my God to satisfy them! All my life I have been told that God will satisfy the deepest desires of your heart and we will always accept me, but it was only in my head, not my heart. I didn't fully understand it. But now I do understand it! And now I have confidence in my future marriage that it will work! I will not have to gain acceptance and love from my husband. I will not have to gain anything from him to feel good about myself. My acceptance and love will be rooted in something much more strong and consistent: Jesus Christ. So I am excited about the future that God has for me. To me, being in love with Jesus and accepted by him sounds amazing! It sounds like a dream which I can actually have! But now with this new understanding of my future marriage, I know that it will be just an added blessing, a delicious treat! Not only will I have a loving Saviour and Lord that I can come to at any point, I also will have a loving husband who is rooted in God and growing. So I know that in His timing He will bring the right guy into my life... But right now I have an even better relationship to be developing, an even more amazing Romancer who will satisfy my every desire. So I have peace about this stage of my life.. It's all in God's timing. But I am excited for my life with my future husband, but even more excited about growing continuously in Christ. Right now He is the one I need to be pursuing, because without His will nothing good will happen.. Only through growing in Him can I be the person He wants me to be.

My thoughts...

Sometimes you just go through those times where you're not really interested in God or getting to know him more. Well, it might not even be that extreme, but you're just in that state of being lukewarm without a real desire to grow and deepen your relationship with God. This past week has been kind of like that. I was just in this state that I would wake up and not even acknowledge God and I would continue on with my day and not bring him into it or ask him for his strength. So last night I had made plans to make cookies with my friend, but it didn't really work out. So I was sitting at my computer and then I just had this feeling of emptiness (I think that would be the best way to describe it) and I just felt like there was this little hole that nothing else could fill. And I felt this enormous hunger for Jesus. I felt this desire to be consumed in Jesus, to just be completely absorbed in him. And so I dropped what I was doing and just gave myself to spending time with Jesus. And it was good. Jesus never disappoints when I sincerely desire to spend time with him. That time I spend with Jesus will be different every time. Sometimes I'll talk his ear off, sometimes I'll just fall asleep in his presence, and sometimes I just need to read my Bible like it's the last thing I'll ever do. But it really doesn't matter what goes on. God just desires to spend time with me. He just wants me to be in his presence and just to absorb him up. And back to what I was saying before, that God doesn't disappoint anytime we seek him. Sometimes it might not be how we wanted it, but his way is always better. And I ask myself this question so many times of why I wouldn't want the best for my life, why wouldn't I just want to surrender everything I have so I can seek after Jesus? Every time I really put my heart and mind into seeking him, he really does fulfill me. I mean, sometimes I have those desires that just seem to clash against God's desires, but as I continue to get to know him more, then his desires will eventually mesh into my desires as well. Man, how cool would it be if everything we did, everything thought, word, action, everything, was centred around Jesus and if we asked ourself just how can I bring glory to God by what I'm about to do? That's what I desire to be like, and only through God's strength and grace will it ever be done!